Monday, May 31, 2010

It's been ages since I put up a new post, and I've really missed writing about my daily life experiences. Something happened recently that I knew I couldn't wait to share....

A few nights ago the family, minus Griffin, gathered for dinner at my mother-in-law's loft for dinner. Any time spent with Karen (M-I-L) is sure to be a great time filled with multiple bottles of wine, great conversation, and loads of stories. There isn't anywhere or anything this woman hasn't been or done. She's definitely experienced it all! During our conversation, the kids started talking about fun things they've done, and the older teenagers began reminiscing about cartoons or video games that reminded them of being 10, when their lives seemed less on the brink of college. As with anytime the conversation turns to someone reminiscing about good childhood memories, I realized for the thousandth time, that I have no idea what the joy of cartoons and video games at the age of 10 would be like. Normally I would sit there and nod my head and laugh, all the while thinking to myself "I have no idea what you're talking about", but this particular evening, something just made me say it out loud. Now, this was not some startling revelation. No one stopped mid sentence as if I had just blurted out some deep dark family secret, but there was definitely a moment when a temporary hush fell over the table. Karen, in all her wordly expereince, decides what I need to do is to recapture my childhood! "It's not too late!", she declares.

So began the moment that childhood became a reality for me! Michael decided that instead of a Bucket List - an itemized version of everything you want to do before you kick the bucket, he would call it The Fuck It List - and itemized list of everything that stands for childhood (translation: happiness & freedom), everything I should do instead of cleaning the house, laundry, and all those other "responsible mom" chores. My stepson Mateo was the first to start my list off: I have to go to a carnival. After that, everyone had something to share to help create my Fuck It List. While I was listening to everyone come up with their ideas, the tears were welling up in my eyes. Eventually I couldn't disguise my crying and I left to go the bathroom.

My tears were not sadness for the lost childhood, or from feeling like I missed out on something. They were tears of humility, gratitude and love for this family so willing to show me their love and tenderness through the experience of the joy and happiness that childhood can be. As I sat there on the toilet trying so hard not to muss my mascara, I couldn't help but offer up thanks to the Universe for this family. It was the first time I realized that I needed them as much as they needed me, and I'm so fortunate that they're mine, regardless of how they came to be mine. I noticed for a while that when they are happy, I'm happy, and when they're sad, so am I. Now, I can see they actually care that I'm happy too.

Disclaimer: The naming of The Fuck It List was done in code out of respect for our younger ears at the dinner table.....just in case you were wondering!